You've got to be kidding me...

"I want to state clearly and without qualification: I did not take steroids, human growth hormone or any other banned substances at any time in my baseball career or, in fact, my entire life," Clemens said in a statement released by his agent, Randy Hendricks. "Those substances represent a dangerous and destructive shortcut that no athlete should ever take."

"I am disappointed that my 25 years in public life have apparently not earned me the benefit of the doubt, but I understand that Senator Mitchell's report has raised many serious questions. I plan to publicly answer all of those questions at the appropriate time in the appropriate way. I only ask that in the meantime people not rush to judgment."

Those were statements by Roger Clemens released through his agent yesterday. What is my reaction? [Insert title of the post]. You deny using any PED but then delay addressing the evidence in the Mitchel Report (MR) that says otherwise? Then, you whine that your public life hasn't earned you the benefit of the doubt? C'mon.

Mark McGwire was a fan favorite in St. Louis...did he get the benefit of the doubt? Did Pete Rose get the benefit of the doubt when he was being questioned about betting on games?

Roger, you aren't going to get the benefit of the doubt. I'm sorry. You can continue to whine about it if you'd like, but that will only make you look more stupid. You especially aren't going to get it if you keep handling this in such moronic fashion. Do something for crying out loud. You are handling this either like a chicken or like a baby. Why don't we just compromise between the two and say you are handling this like a baby chicken, there, that's better. Roger, you are a baby chicken.


Question for Mr. Clemens, exactly when is the "appropriate time" and what is the "appropriate way"?

I have a few suggestions that might help Clemens figure out the appropriate time and way...

Appropriate time and way #1:
You could go the Pete Rose (notice I didn't say Jose Conseco) route, and write your own confession in an autobiography, which in turn forces people to pay $25 bucks to read your confession. That way you might gather up enough chump change to pay for your attorneys, because if you are paid something around $282,900 per inning in 2007 (or whatever it is), you'd better believe your attorneys aren't going to go easy on your murse.

Appropriate time and way #2:
Start you own blog and say whatever you want to. People may read it, they may not, but who cares, right? This will at least give you a chance to say what you really want to say, instead of hiding behind carefully thought out words from your agent.

Appropriate time and way #3:
OK, I'll have to admit, if you were to simultaneously testify against yourself AND Bonds, that might be pretty cool. I don't know if you the two of you had injecting parties during the All-Star break or what not, but if you have anything against Bonds and you squeeze in your own personal confession while squeeling on Bonds, that would be the talk of the town for quite awhile.

Appropriate time and way #4:
Whine about how George and Hank Steinbrenner were beating you into submission with whips made out of diamonds. You figured injecting yourself with something a bit more potent than orange juice might help them stop...or ease the pain.

Appropriate time and way #4:
Blame it on the Mets

Appropriate time and way #5:
Blame it on the Red Sox

Appropriate time and way #6:
Explain to everyone that Mitchell and McNamee just miscommunicated. Tell the media that Mitchell conducted his interview via cell phone and McNamee began the interview sarcastically. But then tell the media that a dropped call can ruin a conversation. Then show us the commercial starring yourself. That has potential.

Appropriate time and way #7:
Say that you were just a little confused at the time.

Appropriate time and way #8:
If you are allowed to make your appearance, why not just confess to those listening at HUMBLE high school (ironicly named).

Appropriate time and way #9:
Make a movie about yourself. I'm mentally debating who the best actor would be to play a Roger Clemens role, but it's kind of tough. There are so many different routes to take, we could have a Roger Clemens played by The Rock...or we could go a totally different route and get somebody like Zac Efron. For some reason Keanu Reeves keeps coming to mind but that could be unrelated.

Appropriate time and way #10:
I'm open to suggestions. Comment or Email me if you have one.